Among the hard things to endure in our shared human experience is rejection! How do you react when someone that you have cared for turns on you, cutting off meaningful dialogue, and seeming to erase all the good things that once existed?  This has happened to me more than a few times. A relationship I thought was deep and solid disappears in a moment of misunderstanding. Politics, religious convictions, even money issues are reasons that even someone we thought to be a life-long friend pulls away, rejecting us.

You have probably been in that situation, too. Yes, there are situations where we do know why.
Perhaps we were abrupt in an angry moment.
Maybe we failed to show the kind of love the other person expected because of distraction.
No matter. It is just a reality that rejection by others happens – when priorities change, when a new relationship takes over, when life’s circumstances shift.

Why does it hurt so much? 
Rejection rips at many parts of us; our sense of belonging, how we feel about our worth, and our hopes and expectations for the future. The loss of a relationship, accompanied by a refusal to explain or reconnect, is deeply painful and can last for months, if not years!

Christian, there is healing to be found. Our Savior understands. He was “despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.” (Isaiah 53) Rediscovering joy after experiencing rejection by another is a process that we can walk through with the sure knowledge that He will guide us, love us, and keep us.

Healing requires a few essential actions.

First, try to see the rejection separately from how you think of yourself.
Rejection does not automatically mean “I am not good enough.”  Being turned down for a promotion might not indicate a lack in you. It could simply be that someone else was a better fit. When a friend pulls away it might not even be about you.  It could be factors in their own life experience that were prioritized over the relationship.

If every rejection becomes a referendum on your self-worth, you will live from crisis to crisis, and self-esteem will be badly damaged.

Second, listen to the way you are telling yourself the story! 
Are you blaming, making the other person ‘the bad guy?’
Are you making sweeping assumptions about their character, their intentions, their motives?

“All is lost, the future is hopeless, there is no way forward.”  These kinds of stories we tell ourselves can turn into self-fulfilling prophecy.  Stop the spiral. Find a trusted friend with whom you can speak honestly but who is capable of challenging your conclusions. Ask them to help you rewrite the story you are telling yourself. Even better, find someone who shares your spiritual values and ask them to pray WITH you, not just for you.

Third, learn from the experience!

If rejections happen with regularity, in similar patterns, there might be choices to be made to change the way you relate to others.
Did you make demands on a relationship too young to bear the weight? 
Are you overly dependent on the other person, replaced real love with ‘smother love?’ 
Were you too transparent causing the person to withdraw because they are not ready for that depth of connection?
Are you expecting too much of others, unwilling to accept that people’s emotions and need can be very fickle?

Fourth, let it be, but don’t ignore it.
Two mistakes are common. Sometimes we want to bury the pain, and we tell ourselves it does not matter, that we ‘just fine.’  That’s a sure way to build a reservoir of resentment. The other is to keep poking at it, revisiting constantly.  Truthfully, it can often take months to see the reality that surrounds a rejection. It can help us to refuse to obsess about the loss, to set it aside for a time before we revisit the situation or attempt a reconciliation.

Fifth, face it and grow.
I am reluctant to say this because it can become an excuse for cruelty or isolation.
But we must become tolerant of rejection. Not getting that job or having a friend move on need not cause us to be overwhelmed with feelings of despair.  We can refuse to be fragile, without becoming brittle. Think about that!

We can use the pain of rejection to grow into a better person. We can learn to be more accepting, to love others more deeply, even to develop more tolerance for difference in our friends and family members.

Lastly, Jesus teaches us to forgive!
Forgiveness is not a moment; it is a process. It is not telling ourselves “it didn’t matter,” it is giving the hurt to the Lord and praying for His way to be found. He is always just. He knows your heart better than you know yourself. You can trust Him with the pain and with the future, a choice that allows you to ‘let go’ of the need to get your own way or even to see the other person ‘set right!’

Even the best Person who ever lived was rejected by people. Jesus gave His best and was judged the worst by some who had their own agenda. But His rejection became the reason for the acceptance you and I can know that is the most important thing in our lives – God’s love and promise of eternal life!

He willingly chose to love, to give of Himself, without self-pity, without resentment. I pray we will choose that path, becoming like Him in our willingness to serve the world in which we live regardless of their love or acceptance.

Here is a thoughtful word from the Word. May the wisdom of Jesus guide us today. “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.  “When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly.”  (Matthew 5)

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